Today Is Tuesday So Here Is A List

Random list day (it's usually random list day around here) (one day I will start doing posts on just one subject, but for right now my brain does not work like that):

1) Psych

LAST WEEK'S EPISODE WAS LIKE A RABBIT KICK TO MY HEART. And also my lungs. I may have wept a bit (weeped? No! Wept! I stand by wept). And I had to talk to everybody about it. Everybody. My brothers. My friend who hasn't even watched this season of Psych (my friends know that I should have a permanent Spoiler Alert tattooed on my forehead. I am not good about it, mainly because most spoilers don't bother me very much)(except for the seventh Harry Potter book. I read that sucker in twelve hours because I was afraid somebody would tell me what had happened, and then I probably would have had to kill them)(Also, I would never really get a tattoo, and certainly not one on my forehead. Mom, don't panic). 

LUCKILY, there is an episode on tomorrow night, and the network isn't deciding that "Surprise! We're going on hiatus, suckers!" (Once Upon A Time, I am looking at you). Although apparently, had they decided to split the season, that would have been the mid-season finale. 

A couple of things about this: WHY do networks insist on splitting seasons in half? I see it all the time now. Suits did it, Bunheads did it, Psych does it. Revenge and Once Upon A Time don't really do it, but they do love to take their month-long hiatuses. Remember when shows started in September, ended in May, and except for the occasional holiday, you got an episode every week without fail? Yes, that was back in the good old days when television shows actually ran for more than eighteen episodes to a season. 

And that brings me to another point: this is the mid-season for Psych? Like, the middle? It just restarted! I'm appalled. Freaking television people. 

But I love Psych, so I put up with this treatment. It is not emotionally healthy for any of us, people. Know this. 

2) Vegetable chowder!

What I'm making for dinner tonight. I found it on Pinterest! I have never made anything off of Pinterest before, although I did see yesterday a recipe for homemade Twix bars (!!!) and today, a recipe for homemade Twix brownies (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Hey, speaking of that, does anybody remember those Twix cookies that they used to make? With the cookie covered with caramel topped with chocolate? What happened to those? They were like angels having a disco party in your mouth. 

Also: Oreo O's! The best cereal known to man! I'm a lifelong Fruity Pebbles lover, but I would gladly ditch those on the side of the street if Oreo O's would only come back into my life (no, that is not true. I would just push Fruity Pebbles to the back of my pantry, and only come back to it when there were no Oreo O's around to give me that sugar buzz in the morning) (I treat my cereals as badly as Psych treats me). 

3) I HAVE ALMOST FINISHED JONATHAN STRANGE AND MR NORRELL

What I mean is I am only roughly two hundred pages from finishing, which doesn't sound like almost done, because two hundred pages is like the size of The Great Gatsby, but you guys, that book is EIGHT HUNDRED PLUS PAGES. It's a monster. I've been intending to finish it for like four years now and I am so close, you guys. So close. Oh, and yes, it is a very good book and you guys should read it. It's like Jane Austen! And magic! And creepy faeries who steal your soul! It's great. 

4) The Great Gatsby

Has this not come out yet? I thought the movie came out ages and ages ago, but apparently it's not coming out until next month. I don't keep track of movies very well anymore. I'm a little bit ashamed of myself. I've never been a movie watcher, but I've always had a list of movies in the back of my head that I knew were in theaters that I could go and see if I wanted. I actually do like seeing movies in theaters, even though after about forty minutes I'm always a little twitchy. Television has destroyed my attention span when it comes to watching shows. 

But you get to eat popcorn, and Junior Mints, and Cherry Coke, so that's always a bonus. Of course I sneak my own Junior Mints in. Actually I sneak all my candy in, and sometimes my soda, and if I could sneak my own popcorn in, I would not even go to the concessions stand. Should I feel bad about that? I should. But I don't. 

I don't know that I will go and see Gatsby when it comes out. Leonardo di Caprio just kind of bugs me a little as an actor, and I never did get around to reading the book, and so it feels a little bit like cheating. Does anybody know if The Host is out yet, though? I disliked the Twilight series, but The Host, the book, was slightly better than the Twilight books, and so I have great hope for the movie. Also the guy actors are way hotter than Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner (I just, I don't understand the appeal. I'm sorry.)

And...that's it. Anybody else watch Psych? Feel like television is stealing your soul? Making soup for dinner tonight? Reading books so large they could take out a robber if absolutely necessary? Inquiring minds want to know! 

Another another list post

I have not posted in a very long time. You don't need me to tell you this. You can see it for yourself. Doubtless many of you have given up hope on me altogether. For that, I apologize. But I do have a list of a few things to share with you, that I hope will take your mind off of it and make you think, "Say, she's a really swell person!" and distract you from the fact that I have basically neglected you the past few months. 

I mean, not neglected. Never! Never ever! Not a day goes by when I don't think of you! 

Creepy? Creepy. Moving on. 

1) I've been watching Revenge lately (actually I've been watching far too much television, as you'll see in a minute, but let's focus on Revenge) and I want to just rant here for a moment about one of the laziest storytelling devices that they use in that show, which is: Emily and Jack knew each other when they were eight. Emily and Jack do not see each other for twenty years. When they are finally reunited, Emily and Jack have an INSTANT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. Also, Jack named his boat after her. 

I'm going to be fair to the writers of Revenge here and say that this is a trope that people use EVERYWHERE. I believe I remember seeing it on Snow White and the Huntsman as well (two hours of my life that I will never get back). And it just makes me want to tear my hair out. Because HOW DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE? Think about it! Think back to the boy/girl that you liked when you were eight. Where are they now? Do you even know? And if you do, isn't it likely that they have gotten sixteen piercings and acquired a significant other named Flame, and spend their weekends imitating homeless people and hitting up innocent passersby for cash? And posting things on Facebook like, "KING ARTHUR IS GOING TO RISE FOR HIS THRONE IN THE YEAR 2014" with no trace of irony? 

But, hey, I don't know. Maybe this is just me! Maybe this makes perfect sense to everybody else. But really, eight year olds mating for life has a weird kind of awkward thing going for it. And it's not that I don't think that a character can reconnect with a person from their past, and start a relationship. It's when it starts being used as the REASON FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP'S EXISTENCE. Like, "Yes, I have not seen you in twenty years, and I have had maybe one conversation with you since we have been reintroduced, but let me run away with you/risk my life for you! This makes perfect sense!" 

Also, the naming-a-boat-after her thing represents a level of creepy that I can't even begin to describe. That encounter would have been really awkward if Jack actually knew who she was when she first came back. "Hey, Jack, it's me, Amanda! Remember me--" 

"I NAMED MY BOAT AFTER YOU." 

"O-okay. N-nice talking to you too." 

Clearly, I have deep feelings about this. 

2) And on the note of another television series, I also started watching Once Upon a Time. I've caught most of the episodes, allowing myself the freedom of skipping through extraneous backstories, and I enjoy it. I really do. It is perfectly apparent to me that it comes from the same writers as Lost, because it contains many of the same flaws as that show, such as a need to stuff EVERY CHARACTER IN EXISTENCE YES THAT ONE AND THAT ONE AND OH YEAH THAT ONE TOO, regardless of how important they are later on. Fellas, it isn't necessary to give EVERY CHARACTER an extensive, episode-long backstory (Hansel and Gretel, Grumpy, Aurora, I am LOOKING AT YOU). Also the writers show a remarkable screw-you attitude towards any sense of internal logic that I both resent and slightly admire. 

Also, they have a great determination to kill off every hot male character on the show while   being ferociously protective of their villains (for the most part) (if you've watched the past season, you'll know the villain exception to whom I am referring. Either people complained  about their cheerful willingness to kill off good characters and spare the ones who have done hideous, hideous things, or the actor had other engagements. I am too lazy to find out). I think that the only reason Hook is still alive is because he can be categorized in both groups. 

Also, is it bad that I love Hook? Partly because of his hotness but also because HEY PETER PAN and I love Peter Pan with every fiber of my being, and also the guy wears a leather coat around pretty much everywhere, which takes a level of confidence that I find admirable (even in the real world, while Regina and Cora update their looks, he is very "Screw you, I'm a pirate captain" about his fashion choices). 

Although regarding his eyeliner: so obviously the actor has to put that on every morning, fine, yeah, whatever, but what's their justification for having the character wear it? Like, are we supposed to believe his eyes just naturally look like that, or are we supposed to believe that in between hunting down Rumpelstiltskin and mourning over the loss of his filthy pirate hooker (spot the pineapple!) he takes the time every morning to carefully apply his makeup? And if so, how did it stay so perfectly applied while he was in the hospital? (For that matter, Emma and Snow must have the greatest makeup known to man, because they spent something like a month in Fairytale Land wearing the same clothes, and their eyeliner did not budge one single inch. Also their mascara didn't smear. The true proof that magic exists in that world). 

3) I got Writing Down the Bones! For those of you who don't know, this is a writing book that is generally praised and recommended, and I figured, hey, I like writing books! So I got it. It was pretty good, and held my interest well for about the first fifty pages, and then I literally cannot remember what happened after that. It was more about FINDING YOUR INNER WRITING SOUL than actual writing technique, which is fine if it was for one chapter but that was literally the entire book. Plus the author is all about memoirs and whatnot, and I myself am more of a fiction writer, and there was pretty much not a lot of mention of fiction. I mean, it's good, etc, but if I am going to pick one writing book that I will read until forever and ever, it's going to be Bird by Bird (although I should mention that that does have some occasional examples of very strong language in it--about three to four instances, I believe. I like to know these things beforehand, and I didn't when I bought the book, and I just want people to be on their guard. Because I'm a good citizen, that's why). 

4) I read Sense and Sensibility! I'd already seen the movie, so yes I am a disappointment to humanity, and this is the first Jane Austen book I have finished in four to five years, so yes all my reader-people out there may now look on me with great disgust, but lo it is finished and you guys, it was great. Jane Austen is fantastic. Also! Also, regarding the movie version, Alan Rickman, you guys! I have never seen him as anything other than Snape, and he is so wonderfully likable in Sense and Sensibility, even though Marianne aka the girl from Titanic is ever so slightly annoying. I liked her better in the book; but I think I may just find that actress slightly annoying. Just as I find Leonardo di Caprio slightly annoying (sorry, Titanic, you irk me. Fifty points from Hufflepuff) (I imagine Jack and Rose would both be in Hufflepuff, as well as Edward Cullen) (and not COOL Hufflepuff, like Tonks, but the who-is-that-character kind of Hufflepuff, like Justin Finch-Fletchley or whatever his name was (did he die? I will feel really bad if his character died) (well, no, probably I won't)). 

5) I have spent some time on Pinterest recently, and I have never seen The Notebook but I literally know the entire plot line and could quote half the script. I'm sort of torn about it, because on the one hand, yay Ryan Gosling! (I have only ever seen him in Remember the Titans, and his was a bit part, and I can't really watch any movies that he's been in because I'm sensitive about movies and ratings and whatnot) (his new gangster movie coming out kills me on so many different levels, because you guys, it's gangsters AND Ryan Gosling AND Brand from the Goonies, and I can't go and see it) (weeps in a corner). But anyway, so yes, Ryan Gosling is in this movie, but also, it's based on a Nicholas Sparks book. I will go into a rant later about this, but basically I think Nicholas Sparks is a really cheesy writer who thinks far too much of himself, and really? Really, can he write a story without killing a character off? I think he is physically incapable of it (and not in an emotionally satisfying way ala J. K. Rowling. In a blatant attempt to get tears out of his readers) (YOU WILL NOT FOOL ME, SPARKS. I AM ON TO YOU) (YOU AND YOUR SMARMY AUTHOR PHOTOS). 

And...blah blah blah...that's it. 

So what about you guys? Watched any good television lately? Read any novels that you should have completed five years ago? Fail to grasp the hostile takeover of Pinterest by the Notebook pins? I want to know! 

Things Made of Awesome, Part One

1.       To Kill a Mockingbird

Re-reading this. Love love love it, and am now much more appreciative of the stunning awesomeness that is Atticus Finch. Also it makes me get all weepy and teary and thoughtful, and besides that it is just a really good story. And very, very quote-worthy. 

2.       The Legend of Korra 

Did anybody else watch Avatar: The Last Airbender? I will go totally geek on you and admit that I did, and I loved it (mostly because of Sokka. Sokka was The Awesome). Anyway, this is kind of a sequel series—same world, seventy years later—and I’m ashamed to admit it but I think I might love it even more than the original (maybe). A quick rundown of its awesomeness: sassy main character, 1920s-ish steam punk setting (love this so much), gorgeous animation, creepy villain-with-motives (and not just the “some men want to see the world burn” Joker motives), and awesome trio-completing friends for Korra (is it weird to have a crush on an animated character? Because the aforementioned friends are boys, and they are attractive boys, and there is much awesome potential-romance going on here). The whole thing is kind of cheesy and indulgent, but in the best possible way. It’s just fun. 

3.       10 Things I Hate About You 

I watched The Prince and Me today, which features Julia Stiles, which made me want to watch the above-mentioned movie. I’ve seen it once, with my brother, about six months ago, and just loved it. Teen movies used to be so cool! And so…realistic. Like, the actors who played teenagers were actually teenagers. And not twenty-seven-year-olds trying to pass as teenagers. Anyway. Among my favorite scenes and lines: when Kat backs into the resident jerk’s car and her father (Larry Miller. Hilarious) tells her that their insurance does not cover PMS, and when Bianca punches out said jerk at the prom (“That’s for my date, that’s for my sister, and that’s for me.”) in a very heroic, date-saving, sister-defending kind of way.

North and South (and East, and West) and Richard Armitage

Last night (and today) my friend and I (and then just I) watched this:

(source: chachic.wordpress.com)

 It is a movie! Actually it is a miniseries. As in BBC miniseries. As in Pride-and-Prejudice-featuring-Colin-Firth miniseries (except that there is no Colin Firth and it is not Pride and Prejudice).

As a BBC miniseries, it hosts (among other things): 1800s lingo and drama (lingo? lingo), British accents, sideburns, and hot men. 

Usually the sideburns are even attached to the hot men. It's great.

And in the miniseries is this guy:

(source: janeaustenfilmclub.blogspot.com)

 His name is Richard Armitage, and in case you can't tell by this picture, he is quite attractive. And in case you can't tell by this blog, I find it my duty in life to give you (whoever you are) the opportunity to view attractive men whenever possible.

Well, come to think of it, I've only shown you Matthew Lewis.

And now Richard Armitage.

You're welcome.

Essentially what he does throughout the course of North and South is: speak in a really hot accent, hit somebody, read Plato, run a mill, and (this is the real kicker) he stands at windows and stares at the heroine.

If this seems creepy to you, don't worry. Everybody does it in this movie (including the heroine herself and Richard Armitage's mother) (not his real mother). Obviously he is the best at staring out of windows (because he's, you know, attractive), but it is a universal thing and thus not creepy. 

So, to recap: You should watch North and South. Richard Armitage is attractive. British accents rock.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and stare at his picture. Like a creeper.

In Which My Hobo Dreams Are Shattered

It is official. Law and Order has made it impossible for me to leave my house, ever.

Specifically it is Law and Order: Criminal Intent, but let’s not point fingers here. The point is that I will have to live as a hermit for the rest of my life, and also, it has made my dream of being a hobo impossible because hoboes live on street corners and on Law and Order, if you live on a street corner, you are almost guaranteed to die.

In fact, on Law and Order, if you live anywhere in the New York vicinity, and are: pretty, ugly, young, old, rich, poor, a drug-dealer, an anti-drug crusader, a prostitute, a CEO, black, white, Asian, a nun, a heretic, a billionaire’s wife, child, nephew, uncle, or second cousin sixteen times removed, or, as far as I can tell, breathing, you are, at some point, probably going to be murdered.

It’s basic mathematics. There are something like ten thousand episodes of Law and Order, because it has been on television for approximately a hundred years. In each of these episodes, at least one person dies. Sometimes two or three or twenty people die. If you average that all and multiply the number of episodes by the number of victims on each episode, you get….

Um….sixteen trillion dead people.

My math might be a little off on this one, but the point remains. There are only slightly more than sixteen trillion people in New York, which means that, theoretically, according to Law and Order, everybody in New York City should be dead by now. And yet, they persist in being in New York City and living in New York City and telling the rest of America how much better New York City is and how much more urbane and cool. This just feeds my theory that New Yorkers are probably zombies, but I digress.

The point is, with that many dead people in every episode, and with such a wide variety of victims, it’s starting to make me nervous to leave my house. In about half of the episodes, leaving their house is exactly what got the victim killed in the first place. If they had just stayed in, maybe ordered in some pizza and watched a nice crime show, it never would have happened. They would still be alive and kicking and telling the rest of the world how much better New York City is than them.

On the other hand, I am also nervous to stay inside my house. The other half of the victims on Law and Order are killed inside their homes. If they had just gone out, maybe gone out for dinner and seen a nice movie, they would still be alive and kicking etc. etc.

You can see my problem. If I stay in, I am in danger. If I go out, I am in danger. I have no sanctuary. I am slowly but surely becoming a nervous wreck. Since I started watching the show, I have begun the process of creating defenses for myself to make my house marginally safer, which include checking every door sixteen times a night to make sure that they’re all locked, pulling down the shades, considering maybe buying sixteen security systems, considering buying a very large, very loyal German Shepherd, possibly named Garbanzo, to sleep next to my bed, and also keeping my cell phone close by me while I sleep so that I can call the police if anything bad happens, or if I suspect that anything bad might be happening, which may or may not include my sprinklers going off. 

Actually, I don’t think that the last precaution actually does all that much. From everything I know about police officers, they never show up to the scene of the crime until after the victim is dead.

Of course, all my knowledge of police officers is gleaned off of Law and Order. So possibly my sample is a little skewed.

What I really need is to actually marry a detective. As far as I can tell, detectives never have their homes broken into, and they are never killed, unless their contracts are up and the TV producers need a way to get rid of the character. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.