Random Stuff, Or: Sorry I Haven't Blogged In A While

So this is the first time that I have posted in what has been, to my surprise, QUITE A WHILE. 

So sue me. 

No! Wait! What I mean to say was, I am deeply sorry to all two of the people that are actually following this blog (hi, Mom and Dad!) (ha! That was a joke. I know there are ten of you) (or nine of you) (it is almost definitely one or the other). 

Anyway. This is just a quick post to let you know that I will be trying to post more often. Probably. I feel like if I say that in a public setting, it's more likely to come true. Feel free to comment and bully me into it. I know that we are supposed to be anti-bullying, but does it count when somebody asks for it? No? Yes? As a motivational device? Yes? No? 

(Don't bully people. It is bad.) 

(Just use GUILT. That is much more effective). 

OKAY. So. A few things: 

1. I changed the blog title. I'm pretty sure I haven't talked about this yet. Basically, as was stated in a previous post, I know nothing about Sherlock Holmes and I felt bad because some people were under the misapprehension that I had actually read the stories. I haven't. I'm a fan of the BBC series and that's pretty much it. Anyway, I changed it. The "Turtle Bark" part  comes from a conversation between a friend and I a couple of years ago that went like this: 

Her: We were shopping for turtle bark...

Me: TURTLE BARK? That's a thing? What is that?

Her: It's bark for turtles. 

Me: IT SOUNDS FANTASTIC. 

Her: It's....fine. 

Me: Can I call you that? Turtle Bark?

Her: No. 

Me: Will you call me that? Can that be my nickname? 

Her: Um...sure. 

(Note: this is not an exact transcript) 

(Other note: she doesn't call me Turtle Bark. She calls me by my last name). 

I don't know WHY this particular phrase caught my attention, but for some reason I found it hilarious. Like "puddle duck." I think "puddle duck" is among the best phrases in the universe. Basically I just think it's fun to say. Both of these phrases. I find both of them fun to say. So that's the new blog title.

2. I was going to write a post on NaNoWriMo, but then I quit NaNoWriMo and I felt bad about it so I didn't. But maybe I'll write a post on why I quit. My life failures tend to make excellent blog posts. 

3. Oh. And also, I will probably be writing a post in the near future about authors and how I feel when my favorite authors post their political views online. Essentially: I don't love it, but if they are respectful about it and I don't feel like they're SUPER ANGRY or derogatory towards people who don't agree with them, then I will probably still buy their books. If I really like their books. I'll go into greater detail on this in the post itself, but I also want to ask: what about you guys? How do you feel when an author you follow on Twitter or whose books you read, decides to get political? What if it's sharing political views that you don't believe in? What if they are insulting in sharing those political views? I WANT TO KNOW. (Unless you don't follow any authors and don't know what I'm talking about. In which case comment anyway. And tell me that you do not understand one single word that I am saying, but that you find me charming anyway. Or that you find me creepy anyway. Whichever). 

Um...blah blah blah...I'll also get up some posts about writing and stuff. Very promising crap is going on in my writing life (like, I may actually buckle down and finish something for once! Yippee!) I know that you guys are all DYING to learn about that kind of stuff. So tune in. Or stick around. Or something. If you come back, I'll play a lovely tune on my magic harp*. 

*this is a blatant lie. I have a magic tuba, not a harp**

**and I can't play the tuba***

***it is consequently worthless to me and I will sell it to the highest bidder. 

Possible Name Change

Hello, anybody who reads this blog! You (the collective you) may be looking at the top of your screen and noticing the name of this blog. Currently it is called "Me and Sherlock Holmes." This name was created by me, a year ago, in an attempt at being whimsical and funny and all of that. "How adorable!" people would say. 

At least, this is my explanation for the title. What I cannot explain is why I thought it was a good idea to choose Sherlock Holmes when, frankly, I know very little about him. Book-wise, I have read maybe three stories. I've seen the first Sherlock Holmes movie (with Jude Law as Watson) and I've watched the BBC series Sherlock. And that's it. 

Now, being myself, and neurotic, this has begun to bug me recently. That I would have a title for a blog that I am not satisfied with anymore, that I feel misrepresents this blog and, also, me. But I told myself to suck it up because it was too late to change it at this point.

Well, it turns out that this isn't true. And that I can change the title of my blog, and also the web address so that it won't be confusing. Imagine my surprise! And delight! And overall happiness! 

Except that now I am feeling nostalgia and connection for my current blog name, and have been deliberating whether or not to keep it (are you asleep yet? No? I felt sure you would be asleep by now). 

Anyway. This is only to put people on alert that I may be changing the name of this blog sometime soon. What I will end up naming it is still up in the air, so if anybody wants to contribute now is the time. I will even give you credit for a winning idea. And a year's worth of chocolate. 

(No. Not that last one. That was an outright lie. I don't have a year's worth of chocolate and if I did I would eat it, not give it away). (But I will probably give you credit. And praise. And a title! Prince/Princess of the Sugar-Spice Universe is one possibility). 

To sum up: the name of the blog may change. Do not be alarmed. That is all.

Potential Conversations for Awkward First Dates

Hello, and welcome to the first installment of Potential Topics for Conversation. Today we will be discussing: things to say on an awkward first date. 

Have you ever been on a date that is extremely awkward? Conversation lagging? Date himself is boring/unattractive/annoying? Here are some conversational topics that could either improve the situation and make it more fun, or end the date as quickly as possible, and thus end the suffering. 

1.       EXTREME weather 

Anybody can talk about the regular weather. It is the sign of a bored and boring mind. Do not do it. Instead, talk about extreme weather. I’m not talking things like tornadoes or earthquakes. I am talking about things like, “Gosh, I hope it doesn’t rain lemon drops and gum drops tomorrow! Oh, what a day that would be! I would stand outside with my mouth open wide…” You can sing this last part, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless the date is past all point of redemption. 

2.       “Hey, does leprosy exist in modern times? Because I think that I might have it.” 

3.       “My goal in life is to find Narnia. How about you?” 

You can also substitute Narnia with “Hogwarts” or “Middle Earth.” Or “Oz.” 

4.       “I think the Loch Ness monster might exist, but I think Big Foot is a myth. But if he did exist, I think he and the Yeti would probably be related. Your thoughts?” 

5.        “If I were a dragon, I think I would be a pink dragon. And I would be mad because I don’t like the color pink and everybody would laugh at me. I would look like I was made out of bubblegum.” 

If he has no response to this, follow it up with: “If you were a dragon, you would be orange. Like a traffic cone. And you would blind people as you flew across the sky and they would fear you.” 

6.       “So what are your thoughts on wedding colors?” 

Designed to end the date very, very quickly. Only use in dire situations. 

7.       “If you could pick one character from The Office to be on your task force to take over the world, who would you pick?” 

The answer is Dwight. Obviously. 

8.       “I think brownies are the best dessert. And pie. But not together because that would be gross.” 

Because everybody likes to talk about food. Unless he’s a vampire and doesn’t eat food (it’s probably good to get details like this out in the open as soon as possible. Because how awkward if you wore your garlic perfume to the second date and accidentally vaporized him). 

(Any other ideas for first-date conversations? Post them in the comments!)

Summertime, Psych, and Swimsuits

I love summer. Because there are cut-offs, popsicles, gardens, sprinklers, warm nights, nice smells, barbecues, beautiful evenings, Orange Crush, ice cold Coca Colas, camping, stars, sunshine, and reruns on TV (I love reruns. Especially of old Psych episodes. I LOVE OLD PSYCH EPISODES. Especially the first season).

 Plus summer TV shows! Like Suits, which is fabulous (if you don’t watch it you are probably in the majority, but you should watch it because it is cute and funny and hilarious, even if it is completely implausible) (it’s television. Okay? It is going to be implausible) (and sometimes cheesy, but who cares? I love cheesy television. I’m unashamed)(and it’s about lawyers! People. They argue for a living. It’s great) (yes I know that it is a very technical job and not as glamorous as they make it look on TV. It’s still fun to watch). 

 Plus also my birthday! I love having my birthday in summer, because guess what? I never had to go to school. And because of where my birthday falls, I always had my half birthday off, too. (This must have frustrated my teachers. “Okay, her birthday is in summer so we’ll just celebrate her half birthday—NOOO! WINTER BREAK!”) (I’m kidding. My teachers probably did not care very much.) (BUT I DID). (Sometimes). (I still like having a summer birthday, though). 

And yes, it does get ridiculously hot and you’re constantly in a state of gross sweatiness—but who cares? So is everybody else! For the perpetual sweater (one who sweats a lot) (not the article of clothing), it’s like a dream come true, because now everybody is in the same situation as you are: gross and socially awkward. Hooray for the social awkwardness! 

One of the only things I do not like about summer is swimsuits. I like to swim. I just don’t like the clothing for it. Who invented this? WHO? My favorite is reading fashion magazines that try and make it sound like “anybody can wear a bikini” (no just no) or give guides to the most “flattering bikini.” It is a bikini. There’s just not enough fabric to really create any kind of illusions about the person’s body type (I say person, and I should say woman, but I didn’t want to exclude all the men out there who like to wear bikinis)(AAAAHHH. Mental images, mental images!) 

All right. I have to run screaming down the street now (clutching my head) (screaming “NO PLEASE NO”). Good-bye.

Why I Sometimes Hate Facebook

1.       Pictures of relatively hot guys (that you have no chance of ever dating HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Like that one guy you knew in elementary school, who has suddenly gotten very attractive. And you didn’t appreciate him back then. I mean, he was cute, but you were so interested in this other guy, and you feel like you wasted your opportunity to have a legitimate crush on him (that isn’t, you know, based solely on Facebook stalking) (“Hey! He likes ice cream! Me too!”) 

Or that other guy that you haven’t thought about in forever (translation: three months) and you see a picture of him and think, “Oh my gosh, he’s still kind of completely hot.”

I think the solution here is to just delete all of my attractive male Facebook friends that I am not on direct speaking terms with. 

HAHA. Just kidding. The real solution is to Facebook stalk them. Speaking of which… 

2.       Facebook stalking. 

Facebook provides lazy-but-curious people with the means to be complete and total creeps, and then to have guilt trips as they are browsing the page of that one person they haven’t had a conversation with in five years. “Am I a weirdo? What’s wrong with me? Why am I so interested in—oh, wow, she’s dating *that guy*?” Also it makes you hyper aware that other people might be checking out your page, and that makes you self-conscious. Sometimes I even Facebook stalk myself to make sure everything is fine and dandy for any of my friends who are bored and want to, say, look at my status updates from up to three months ago. 

3.       People who update every three minutes with things like, “Now I am eating a sandwich!” 

“Doing my laundry!” 

“Where do all the socks go?” 

“Taking out the trash!” 

“Something’s living in my trash can!” 

“I think that it’s a hobo—AH! AH! AAAAAAHHHHH! IT’S GOT ME—“ 

4.       People who air their personal problems publicly 

In an “anonymous” fashion: “People are such jerks sometimes. Like when they talk about you behind your back and get all offended when you’re mad at them. Like, hey, don’t talk about me behind my back! We were supposed to be friends and you’ve just totally changed. I just can’t believe you sometimes. You need to just go fall off a cliff. If you mess with me, I’ll mess you up. I am not putting up with this crap anymore. Some people just shouldn’t even exist.”  

The slightly less anonymous version: “Ex-boyfriends shouldn’t return your stuff to you at eight on a Saturday morning wearing muscle shirts. Talk about inconsiderate. I dumped you for a reason, you loser. Stop trying to win me back.”

Full out war (disclaimer: I don't think I've ever seen this actually happen)(but it probably does): “For those who are concerned: Linda McLadybug is a JERK and a boyfriend stealer. Die in a hole, Linda! P.S. your haircut is stupid.” 

5.       The weird addictiveness 

Even if you are not posting every day, there is a good chance you are checking Facebook every day, or at least every time you are on a computer. It’s the perfect device for boredom—you feel like you’re doing something, when really, you’re doing absolutely nothing. 

And then you feel guilt and have to eat a Snickers bar.

Books I Read for School and Disliked/Hated/Had a Problem With

1.       Wuthering Heights 

Cathy’s a monster, Heathcliff’s crazy, and nearly everybody else is either a pansy or a jerk. It’s supposed to be a love story, but guys. It isn’t. Because Cathy and Heathcliff are not in love with each other, okay? They are obsessed with each other. Obsessed. There is a difference. It is unhealthy, it is really creepy—and in spite of said obsession, they still can’t pull it together and get married, and instead spend the rest of their lives moping and plotting revenge. And then they die. Unhappy. The end. 

2.       Jane Eyre 

Read it in sixth grade for a book report. Procrastinated until the last minute and had to read almost the entire book in one day. Needless to say, it did not leave a sunshiny feel-good impression on me (since then, I’ve come to appreciate it, bought a new copy, and mended my middle school ways. But at the time, this book and I were ENEMIES). 

3.       Dracula

Read it in eighth grade. My impressions were: boring, boring, boring. EW. Lather, rinse, repeat. 

4.       Things Fall Apart 

I don’t actually think that I finished this one. My hatred for it was mainly circumstantial—I didn’t like the novel, but I hated even more my teacher’s condescension when we pointed out which parts we had problems with. The best way to endear yourself to a classroom full of tenth graders is not to treat them like simpletons. Just so we’re clear on that. 

5.       Carry On, Mr. Bowditch 

Fifth grade. His sister, his brothers, and his wife died. And then he remarried his wife’s cousin Polly, whose real name was Mary (this was a very important and very bizarre detail to ten-year-old me). Also there was a lot of talk about sailing. And navigation. And he wasn’t even a pirate. You can imagine how thrilling this was to me. 

6.       The Old Man and the Sea 

This book inspired in me a sincere and deep hatred for all things Hemingway. I kind of feel bad about it. It wasn’t Hemingway’s fault. I had to read this book on vacation (strike one)—the whole thing (strike two)—and all I can remember about it was the scene where he was talking to his hand and telling it that it wasn’t allowed to quit (strike three). I was eleven (possibly twelve). That kind of meaningful moment was completely lost on me. I mean…no impact. None. Whatsoever.