The Decoy Bride (Also, I Don't Watch Dr. Who)

So I watched this show not too many weeks ago: 

(source: imdb)

I was browsing Netflix and I could only see the cover very slightly and it said that David Tennant was in it and HEY I like David Tennant, and I haven't actually seen him in anything other than Harry Potter and maybe one episode of Dr. Who (I just, I don't know WHY I can't seem to love Dr. Who, but I can't seem to love Dr. Who. You may feel free to scorn me now), but anyway Pinterest and the Internet At Large assures me that he is darling and fabulous and all of that good nonsense, so I was like YES and it was rated PG (I have a very low tolerance for Things That Get You Higher Movie Ratings, because I am five years old on the inside) and so I watched it. 

And then I rewatched all my favorite parts because it was adorable and I like it very much, and it probably got universally panned by critics because most of my favorite movies do (unless they are Disney movies) (what I am saying is that I have negligible taste in movies unless they are children's movies) or at least it seems not to have made much of a blip on anyone's radar. What I am saying is that it is a weird little film where pretty much everyone speaks in a British or Scottish accent. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss ma'am. It could be an otherwise ATROCIOUS movie and I would still love it just for that. 

Basically: the girl on the left (American Actress) is marrying David Tennant, and the press won't just LEAVE HER ALONE and LET HER GET MARRIED IN PEACE and so she's decided to get married on a remote Scottish island, where lives Merida (the girl on the right) (no that is not her name in the movie) (did anyone catch the Brave reference?) (this is all making sense in my head). ANYWAY blah blah blah American Actress runs off, they need a DECOY BRIDE To throw the press off, and David Tennant pretend-marries Merida without realizing, and actually accidentally marries her. And there is a ghost of a cow that lives in an old restroom. The end. 

WHAT. Yes. All of that. And more! So go! Go and watch! Enjoy excessively! Love David Tennant in a way that is not as Dr. Who! (seriously though. I am still just mortified that I don't seem to enjoy that as much as everybody else) (and yet I also love Rory Williams) (Internet, you introduce me to people that I really know nothing about and then make me love them even though I am not a real fan at all). 

BUT. Watch this. And...Penelope. Which is not on Netflix. But! That is another post for another time! 

SO! Your turn! Who's watched a very odd but also lovely show lately? Something unheard of but also awesome and (hopefully) British? Anybody just want to yell at me for not loving Dr. Who? Post your comments below! 

Today Is Tuesday So Here Is A List

Random list day (it's usually random list day around here) (one day I will start doing posts on just one subject, but for right now my brain does not work like that):

1) Psych

LAST WEEK'S EPISODE WAS LIKE A RABBIT KICK TO MY HEART. And also my lungs. I may have wept a bit (weeped? No! Wept! I stand by wept). And I had to talk to everybody about it. Everybody. My brothers. My friend who hasn't even watched this season of Psych (my friends know that I should have a permanent Spoiler Alert tattooed on my forehead. I am not good about it, mainly because most spoilers don't bother me very much)(except for the seventh Harry Potter book. I read that sucker in twelve hours because I was afraid somebody would tell me what had happened, and then I probably would have had to kill them)(Also, I would never really get a tattoo, and certainly not one on my forehead. Mom, don't panic). 

LUCKILY, there is an episode on tomorrow night, and the network isn't deciding that "Surprise! We're going on hiatus, suckers!" (Once Upon A Time, I am looking at you). Although apparently, had they decided to split the season, that would have been the mid-season finale. 

A couple of things about this: WHY do networks insist on splitting seasons in half? I see it all the time now. Suits did it, Bunheads did it, Psych does it. Revenge and Once Upon A Time don't really do it, but they do love to take their month-long hiatuses. Remember when shows started in September, ended in May, and except for the occasional holiday, you got an episode every week without fail? Yes, that was back in the good old days when television shows actually ran for more than eighteen episodes to a season. 

And that brings me to another point: this is the mid-season for Psych? Like, the middle? It just restarted! I'm appalled. Freaking television people. 

But I love Psych, so I put up with this treatment. It is not emotionally healthy for any of us, people. Know this. 

2) Vegetable chowder!

What I'm making for dinner tonight. I found it on Pinterest! I have never made anything off of Pinterest before, although I did see yesterday a recipe for homemade Twix bars (!!!) and today, a recipe for homemade Twix brownies (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Hey, speaking of that, does anybody remember those Twix cookies that they used to make? With the cookie covered with caramel topped with chocolate? What happened to those? They were like angels having a disco party in your mouth. 

Also: Oreo O's! The best cereal known to man! I'm a lifelong Fruity Pebbles lover, but I would gladly ditch those on the side of the street if Oreo O's would only come back into my life (no, that is not true. I would just push Fruity Pebbles to the back of my pantry, and only come back to it when there were no Oreo O's around to give me that sugar buzz in the morning) (I treat my cereals as badly as Psych treats me). 

3) I HAVE ALMOST FINISHED JONATHAN STRANGE AND MR NORRELL

What I mean is I am only roughly two hundred pages from finishing, which doesn't sound like almost done, because two hundred pages is like the size of The Great Gatsby, but you guys, that book is EIGHT HUNDRED PLUS PAGES. It's a monster. I've been intending to finish it for like four years now and I am so close, you guys. So close. Oh, and yes, it is a very good book and you guys should read it. It's like Jane Austen! And magic! And creepy faeries who steal your soul! It's great. 

4) The Great Gatsby

Has this not come out yet? I thought the movie came out ages and ages ago, but apparently it's not coming out until next month. I don't keep track of movies very well anymore. I'm a little bit ashamed of myself. I've never been a movie watcher, but I've always had a list of movies in the back of my head that I knew were in theaters that I could go and see if I wanted. I actually do like seeing movies in theaters, even though after about forty minutes I'm always a little twitchy. Television has destroyed my attention span when it comes to watching shows. 

But you get to eat popcorn, and Junior Mints, and Cherry Coke, so that's always a bonus. Of course I sneak my own Junior Mints in. Actually I sneak all my candy in, and sometimes my soda, and if I could sneak my own popcorn in, I would not even go to the concessions stand. Should I feel bad about that? I should. But I don't. 

I don't know that I will go and see Gatsby when it comes out. Leonardo di Caprio just kind of bugs me a little as an actor, and I never did get around to reading the book, and so it feels a little bit like cheating. Does anybody know if The Host is out yet, though? I disliked the Twilight series, but The Host, the book, was slightly better than the Twilight books, and so I have great hope for the movie. Also the guy actors are way hotter than Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner (I just, I don't understand the appeal. I'm sorry.)

And...that's it. Anybody else watch Psych? Feel like television is stealing your soul? Making soup for dinner tonight? Reading books so large they could take out a robber if absolutely necessary? Inquiring minds want to know! 

Hobbits and T-shirts

Okay! So I am writing this on a computer that is not mine, and I have limited time. Just a couple of things, really: 

1) I was looking at a blog (FINE IT'S A STYLE BLOG OKAY. Judge me for being shallow and liking clothes) (weird tidbit: I really like clothes and care about them and read clothing blogs, but something like seventy percent of the time I dress like a hobo) (OKAY FINE ninety percent of the time. What do you want from me?) Anyway. I was looking at this blog and this girl, who dresses very well and is very stylish, was totally wearing a t-shirt from the men's department at Target. 

YES! VINDICATED! For those of you who aren't in the know, that's where roughly thirty percent of my wardrobe comes from, is the men's t-shirt section at Target. I have a ridiculous amount of them. They make me look like I'm fifteen. It's great. 

In fact, at this moment I am wearing my Hobbit t-shirt. Because hobbits are awesome, that's why. Also: Richard Armitage! Which brings me to my next point: 

2) I am in the midst of watching The Hobbit! For the first time! I'm very proud of myself. I've watched the first twenty or thirty minutes, and then I watched the last thirty minutes. Those middle scenes! Can't wait to watch them! 

If you're wondering why I watched it like this, it's because I watched it with my brother late Sunday night, and I fell asleep and woke up right when Bilbo was talking to Gollum, and then on Tuesday I started to re-watch it and only had time to get through the first thirty minutes. And then I got busy (or, you know, my attention span waned. Whatever! Same thing!) 

Anyway, I'm very excited to watch the whole thing because it means that I'll be able to wear my aforementioned Hobbit shirt without a twinge of shame. I bought it in December, thinking that YES I would buy it before they sold out, and I'd be going to see the movie soon anyway, so I should just snatch it up while I can. And now I've been wearing it for four months and every time I put it on I felt like a poser (but I never considered not wearing it, because it's comfy and a good color for my skin tone) (I may dress like a hobo, but I still have dress standards) (bizarre, arbitrary dress standards) (I WILL NOT wear brightly colored sweats with a brightly colored t-shirt) (much of my wardrobe is neutrals) (I'm boring). 

I should also note that I've at least read The Hobbit, so I think that should count for something. 

Or not. The choice is yours. 

This is possibly the shortest list post in the history of time, or at least on this blog, but my brain just had a freeze and I really have nothing else to say. Puppies! There, that was something. 

Does anybody else have yet to see The Hobbit? Anybody watch it and squint at the screen and think, yes, Richard Armitage is still attractive as a dwarf? Or troll the men's section of Target for t-shirts (guys, I am not talking to you, obviously you shop in that section, but I guess if you want to mention it that's all right)? Leave a comment! 

Books! And...You Know. More Books!

I have something of a headache, so this will probably end up being a short post (she said, hopefully) BUT I just wanted to toot my horn and announce to the world that I have, at long last, finished Pride and Prejudice. 

Yeah, I know, it's pathetic. I should have read it in high school with all of the other library-lurkers. Every time I saw it on my shelf, I could hear my inner drill sergeant screaming, "YOU CALL YOURSELF A BOOKWORM?" And then, depending on my mood, I'd cry or scream back or just kind of be like, "Oh, drill sergeant, you're so funny," and cheerfully skip off to read something way below my age group (oh, yes, I'll be doing a post on how children's literature is suddenly appealing to me more than either adult or YA literature at this point in my life--further proof that as I age, I am, in fact, mentally reverting to my childhood) (there's an excellent quote by C. S. Lewis about that. Points to whoever can find it). 

ANYWAY. I finished reading it, and I'm all in awe of Jane Austen, because she is fabulous and how do I not read her all the time? Anyway anyway. I will momentarily be taking a break from her to read some other stuff (Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell! I got it for Christmas because I've checked it out of the library periodically over the past three years or so, and have always had to return it before I could make any real progress in it, so I decided to invest and then I could take as much time as I wanted to reading it, which clearly I needed) (also, a book about the Irish mob. Is it weird that I like reading books about gangsters so much, and am all interested in them, even though movie violence grosses me out and I'm super-squeamish about it, and also, in real life, I'm pretty much just a giant wimp? Whatever. It's probably ironic). But I'll return to her books soon. Soon-ish. 

Also I need to read Lord of the Rings. I've watched the movies about six times each, so it's probably about time to, you know, read the source material ("YOU CALL YOURSELF A BOOKWORM?"). 

Also: short story collections! I have never really been a short story reader, but I'm trying to write them because they give me a nice break from the painful agonies of my novels, which, guys, are taking me forever to write. But I was doing research and chanced upon Alice Munro, and some nice stuff about her, and thought, okay, yes, I will give her a try. And I will be tremendously annoyed if I get some of her stuff and it turns out to be boring or dirty or any of those things that makes me want to throw a book against the wall, especially when I've bought it. I hate buying books that end up being terrible. I try to avoid it as much as possible by doing egregious amounts of research like somehow the Internet can predict whether a book will be a good investment or not and P.S., it can't. Technology, you disappoint me. 

So, blah blah blah, that's all. Any books to recommend? Any that you've read recently and you would like to join me in bragging? Or that you would like to lament not having read (hey! I still have never finished a Charles Dickens book!)? Leave a comment! 

Another another list post

I have not posted in a very long time. You don't need me to tell you this. You can see it for yourself. Doubtless many of you have given up hope on me altogether. For that, I apologize. But I do have a list of a few things to share with you, that I hope will take your mind off of it and make you think, "Say, she's a really swell person!" and distract you from the fact that I have basically neglected you the past few months. 

I mean, not neglected. Never! Never ever! Not a day goes by when I don't think of you! 

Creepy? Creepy. Moving on. 

1) I've been watching Revenge lately (actually I've been watching far too much television, as you'll see in a minute, but let's focus on Revenge) and I want to just rant here for a moment about one of the laziest storytelling devices that they use in that show, which is: Emily and Jack knew each other when they were eight. Emily and Jack do not see each other for twenty years. When they are finally reunited, Emily and Jack have an INSTANT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. Also, Jack named his boat after her. 

I'm going to be fair to the writers of Revenge here and say that this is a trope that people use EVERYWHERE. I believe I remember seeing it on Snow White and the Huntsman as well (two hours of my life that I will never get back). And it just makes me want to tear my hair out. Because HOW DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE? Think about it! Think back to the boy/girl that you liked when you were eight. Where are they now? Do you even know? And if you do, isn't it likely that they have gotten sixteen piercings and acquired a significant other named Flame, and spend their weekends imitating homeless people and hitting up innocent passersby for cash? And posting things on Facebook like, "KING ARTHUR IS GOING TO RISE FOR HIS THRONE IN THE YEAR 2014" with no trace of irony? 

But, hey, I don't know. Maybe this is just me! Maybe this makes perfect sense to everybody else. But really, eight year olds mating for life has a weird kind of awkward thing going for it. And it's not that I don't think that a character can reconnect with a person from their past, and start a relationship. It's when it starts being used as the REASON FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP'S EXISTENCE. Like, "Yes, I have not seen you in twenty years, and I have had maybe one conversation with you since we have been reintroduced, but let me run away with you/risk my life for you! This makes perfect sense!" 

Also, the naming-a-boat-after her thing represents a level of creepy that I can't even begin to describe. That encounter would have been really awkward if Jack actually knew who she was when she first came back. "Hey, Jack, it's me, Amanda! Remember me--" 

"I NAMED MY BOAT AFTER YOU." 

"O-okay. N-nice talking to you too." 

Clearly, I have deep feelings about this. 

2) And on the note of another television series, I also started watching Once Upon a Time. I've caught most of the episodes, allowing myself the freedom of skipping through extraneous backstories, and I enjoy it. I really do. It is perfectly apparent to me that it comes from the same writers as Lost, because it contains many of the same flaws as that show, such as a need to stuff EVERY CHARACTER IN EXISTENCE YES THAT ONE AND THAT ONE AND OH YEAH THAT ONE TOO, regardless of how important they are later on. Fellas, it isn't necessary to give EVERY CHARACTER an extensive, episode-long backstory (Hansel and Gretel, Grumpy, Aurora, I am LOOKING AT YOU). Also the writers show a remarkable screw-you attitude towards any sense of internal logic that I both resent and slightly admire. 

Also, they have a great determination to kill off every hot male character on the show while   being ferociously protective of their villains (for the most part) (if you've watched the past season, you'll know the villain exception to whom I am referring. Either people complained  about their cheerful willingness to kill off good characters and spare the ones who have done hideous, hideous things, or the actor had other engagements. I am too lazy to find out). I think that the only reason Hook is still alive is because he can be categorized in both groups. 

Also, is it bad that I love Hook? Partly because of his hotness but also because HEY PETER PAN and I love Peter Pan with every fiber of my being, and also the guy wears a leather coat around pretty much everywhere, which takes a level of confidence that I find admirable (even in the real world, while Regina and Cora update their looks, he is very "Screw you, I'm a pirate captain" about his fashion choices). 

Although regarding his eyeliner: so obviously the actor has to put that on every morning, fine, yeah, whatever, but what's their justification for having the character wear it? Like, are we supposed to believe his eyes just naturally look like that, or are we supposed to believe that in between hunting down Rumpelstiltskin and mourning over the loss of his filthy pirate hooker (spot the pineapple!) he takes the time every morning to carefully apply his makeup? And if so, how did it stay so perfectly applied while he was in the hospital? (For that matter, Emma and Snow must have the greatest makeup known to man, because they spent something like a month in Fairytale Land wearing the same clothes, and their eyeliner did not budge one single inch. Also their mascara didn't smear. The true proof that magic exists in that world). 

3) I got Writing Down the Bones! For those of you who don't know, this is a writing book that is generally praised and recommended, and I figured, hey, I like writing books! So I got it. It was pretty good, and held my interest well for about the first fifty pages, and then I literally cannot remember what happened after that. It was more about FINDING YOUR INNER WRITING SOUL than actual writing technique, which is fine if it was for one chapter but that was literally the entire book. Plus the author is all about memoirs and whatnot, and I myself am more of a fiction writer, and there was pretty much not a lot of mention of fiction. I mean, it's good, etc, but if I am going to pick one writing book that I will read until forever and ever, it's going to be Bird by Bird (although I should mention that that does have some occasional examples of very strong language in it--about three to four instances, I believe. I like to know these things beforehand, and I didn't when I bought the book, and I just want people to be on their guard. Because I'm a good citizen, that's why). 

4) I read Sense and Sensibility! I'd already seen the movie, so yes I am a disappointment to humanity, and this is the first Jane Austen book I have finished in four to five years, so yes all my reader-people out there may now look on me with great disgust, but lo it is finished and you guys, it was great. Jane Austen is fantastic. Also! Also, regarding the movie version, Alan Rickman, you guys! I have never seen him as anything other than Snape, and he is so wonderfully likable in Sense and Sensibility, even though Marianne aka the girl from Titanic is ever so slightly annoying. I liked her better in the book; but I think I may just find that actress slightly annoying. Just as I find Leonardo di Caprio slightly annoying (sorry, Titanic, you irk me. Fifty points from Hufflepuff) (I imagine Jack and Rose would both be in Hufflepuff, as well as Edward Cullen) (and not COOL Hufflepuff, like Tonks, but the who-is-that-character kind of Hufflepuff, like Justin Finch-Fletchley or whatever his name was (did he die? I will feel really bad if his character died) (well, no, probably I won't)). 

5) I have spent some time on Pinterest recently, and I have never seen The Notebook but I literally know the entire plot line and could quote half the script. I'm sort of torn about it, because on the one hand, yay Ryan Gosling! (I have only ever seen him in Remember the Titans, and his was a bit part, and I can't really watch any movies that he's been in because I'm sensitive about movies and ratings and whatnot) (his new gangster movie coming out kills me on so many different levels, because you guys, it's gangsters AND Ryan Gosling AND Brand from the Goonies, and I can't go and see it) (weeps in a corner). But anyway, so yes, Ryan Gosling is in this movie, but also, it's based on a Nicholas Sparks book. I will go into a rant later about this, but basically I think Nicholas Sparks is a really cheesy writer who thinks far too much of himself, and really? Really, can he write a story without killing a character off? I think he is physically incapable of it (and not in an emotionally satisfying way ala J. K. Rowling. In a blatant attempt to get tears out of his readers) (YOU WILL NOT FOOL ME, SPARKS. I AM ON TO YOU) (YOU AND YOUR SMARMY AUTHOR PHOTOS). 

And...blah blah blah...that's it. 

So what about you guys? Watched any good television lately? Read any novels that you should have completed five years ago? Fail to grasp the hostile takeover of Pinterest by the Notebook pins? I want to know!