Nicholas Cage Should Learn Knock-Knock Jokes

Nicholas Cage is not an attractive man.

Any woman who is not blind could tell you that. The men would tell you, also, but men are very weird about talking about the attractiveness, or, conversely, non-attractiveness, of their fellow males, i.e., they refuse to discuss it and will begin a conversation regarding anything else to avoid discussing it, including the weather, what you had for dinner, and weird medical conditions of various family members.

The point is, nearly everybody knows that Nicholas Cage is not attractive. And yet, in the bizarre mindset that Hollywood has, the producers of every Nicholas Cage movie ever have convinced themselves that he is, attractive-wise, on the same level as Jessica Alba or Diane Kruger and it is perfectly legitimate and not at all fishy to have him date these women on movies.

I realize that I sound highly shallow about this, and for the most part I am not a shallow person in real life, but when it comes to actors that I am expected to watch on a screen the size of Donald Trump’s ego, my standards are slightly higher. I demand someone more attractive than Nicholas Cage, and if the women of the world are going to be forced to endure him for two hours at a time, then the men of the world should be forced to endure a woman who is, relatively speaking, on the same level of attractiveness as he is. Which Jessica Alba and Diane Kruger are not.

And it is not just Nicholas Cage. There are hundreds upon hundreds of movies in which relatively unattractive men are paired with beautiful women, and probably about five where the unattractive women are paired with the hot men. This is ridiculous. If women have to suffer through Nicholas Cage movies, then the men should have to suffer through movies in which Ryan Reynolds falls in love with a woman on the same attractiveness level of Nicholas Cage. Possibly Nicholas Cage’s sister. I think that this would level the playing field a bit.

The only situation in which I accept the premise that a not highly-attractive man could date a very attractive woman is if the man is funny. So non attractive actors everywhere should begin brushing up on their witty comebacks and possibly also their knock-knock jokes. It is their only hope.

Sherlock Holmes and Career Choices

Briefly, like for five minutes or so, I hosted the fantasy of one day being Sherlock Holmes.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kndynt2099/5739971866/

Like this. Only with more makeup. 

It was going to be great. I was going to tick people off and run around solving crimes and being more brilliant than everybody else. I thought that this was a good career plan because, generally speaking, when you are more brilliant than everybody else you can usually shame them into doing whatever you want them to do, like bring you pie. So I would never have to drive all the way to the store and buy pie for myself ever again. People would just bring it to my front door, possibly in trucks, and I would never have to leave the house at all. I could sit inside and do more important things, like argue with people over the Internet and watch television. 

Then I realized that being more brilliant than everybody else also meant that people might resent me for it. 

This was when the fantasy started to crumble. 

I realized that I would have to start fearing for my life, which would be a bad thing because I am neurotic enough as it is. This would probably reduce me to hiding out underneath my bed, eating my hair with my comforter pulled over my head muttering reassuring things to myself. Then I would realize that I am claustrophobic and relocate to my closet, which would not make me feel as safe. 

Also, I would have to start doing drugs and alienate everybody and never have any friends. I wasn't too worried about the last two because that is basically how I live right now, but the doing drugs part was slightly concerning, mainly because I am demonic when I drink too much Coca Cola, and I can only imagine what would happen if I put stronger substances into my body. 

Mayhem. Chaos. The end of the universe as we know it. 

That kind of thing. 

So I gave up the idea of being Sherlock Holmes. Forever. 

Now I just want to be Dr. Watson. 

But with better hair.