Books! And...You Know. More Books!

I have something of a headache, so this will probably end up being a short post (she said, hopefully) BUT I just wanted to toot my horn and announce to the world that I have, at long last, finished Pride and Prejudice. 

Yeah, I know, it's pathetic. I should have read it in high school with all of the other library-lurkers. Every time I saw it on my shelf, I could hear my inner drill sergeant screaming, "YOU CALL YOURSELF A BOOKWORM?" And then, depending on my mood, I'd cry or scream back or just kind of be like, "Oh, drill sergeant, you're so funny," and cheerfully skip off to read something way below my age group (oh, yes, I'll be doing a post on how children's literature is suddenly appealing to me more than either adult or YA literature at this point in my life--further proof that as I age, I am, in fact, mentally reverting to my childhood) (there's an excellent quote by C. S. Lewis about that. Points to whoever can find it). 

ANYWAY. I finished reading it, and I'm all in awe of Jane Austen, because she is fabulous and how do I not read her all the time? Anyway anyway. I will momentarily be taking a break from her to read some other stuff (Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell! I got it for Christmas because I've checked it out of the library periodically over the past three years or so, and have always had to return it before I could make any real progress in it, so I decided to invest and then I could take as much time as I wanted to reading it, which clearly I needed) (also, a book about the Irish mob. Is it weird that I like reading books about gangsters so much, and am all interested in them, even though movie violence grosses me out and I'm super-squeamish about it, and also, in real life, I'm pretty much just a giant wimp? Whatever. It's probably ironic). But I'll return to her books soon. Soon-ish. 

Also I need to read Lord of the Rings. I've watched the movies about six times each, so it's probably about time to, you know, read the source material ("YOU CALL YOURSELF A BOOKWORM?"). 

Also: short story collections! I have never really been a short story reader, but I'm trying to write them because they give me a nice break from the painful agonies of my novels, which, guys, are taking me forever to write. But I was doing research and chanced upon Alice Munro, and some nice stuff about her, and thought, okay, yes, I will give her a try. And I will be tremendously annoyed if I get some of her stuff and it turns out to be boring or dirty or any of those things that makes me want to throw a book against the wall, especially when I've bought it. I hate buying books that end up being terrible. I try to avoid it as much as possible by doing egregious amounts of research like somehow the Internet can predict whether a book will be a good investment or not and P.S., it can't. Technology, you disappoint me. 

So, blah blah blah, that's all. Any books to recommend? Any that you've read recently and you would like to join me in bragging? Or that you would like to lament not having read (hey! I still have never finished a Charles Dickens book!)? Leave a comment! 

Another another list post

I have not posted in a very long time. You don't need me to tell you this. You can see it for yourself. Doubtless many of you have given up hope on me altogether. For that, I apologize. But I do have a list of a few things to share with you, that I hope will take your mind off of it and make you think, "Say, she's a really swell person!" and distract you from the fact that I have basically neglected you the past few months. 

I mean, not neglected. Never! Never ever! Not a day goes by when I don't think of you! 

Creepy? Creepy. Moving on. 

1) I've been watching Revenge lately (actually I've been watching far too much television, as you'll see in a minute, but let's focus on Revenge) and I want to just rant here for a moment about one of the laziest storytelling devices that they use in that show, which is: Emily and Jack knew each other when they were eight. Emily and Jack do not see each other for twenty years. When they are finally reunited, Emily and Jack have an INSTANT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. Also, Jack named his boat after her. 

I'm going to be fair to the writers of Revenge here and say that this is a trope that people use EVERYWHERE. I believe I remember seeing it on Snow White and the Huntsman as well (two hours of my life that I will never get back). And it just makes me want to tear my hair out. Because HOW DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE? Think about it! Think back to the boy/girl that you liked when you were eight. Where are they now? Do you even know? And if you do, isn't it likely that they have gotten sixteen piercings and acquired a significant other named Flame, and spend their weekends imitating homeless people and hitting up innocent passersby for cash? And posting things on Facebook like, "KING ARTHUR IS GOING TO RISE FOR HIS THRONE IN THE YEAR 2014" with no trace of irony? 

But, hey, I don't know. Maybe this is just me! Maybe this makes perfect sense to everybody else. But really, eight year olds mating for life has a weird kind of awkward thing going for it. And it's not that I don't think that a character can reconnect with a person from their past, and start a relationship. It's when it starts being used as the REASON FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP'S EXISTENCE. Like, "Yes, I have not seen you in twenty years, and I have had maybe one conversation with you since we have been reintroduced, but let me run away with you/risk my life for you! This makes perfect sense!" 

Also, the naming-a-boat-after her thing represents a level of creepy that I can't even begin to describe. That encounter would have been really awkward if Jack actually knew who she was when she first came back. "Hey, Jack, it's me, Amanda! Remember me--" 

"I NAMED MY BOAT AFTER YOU." 

"O-okay. N-nice talking to you too." 

Clearly, I have deep feelings about this. 

2) And on the note of another television series, I also started watching Once Upon a Time. I've caught most of the episodes, allowing myself the freedom of skipping through extraneous backstories, and I enjoy it. I really do. It is perfectly apparent to me that it comes from the same writers as Lost, because it contains many of the same flaws as that show, such as a need to stuff EVERY CHARACTER IN EXISTENCE YES THAT ONE AND THAT ONE AND OH YEAH THAT ONE TOO, regardless of how important they are later on. Fellas, it isn't necessary to give EVERY CHARACTER an extensive, episode-long backstory (Hansel and Gretel, Grumpy, Aurora, I am LOOKING AT YOU). Also the writers show a remarkable screw-you attitude towards any sense of internal logic that I both resent and slightly admire. 

Also, they have a great determination to kill off every hot male character on the show while   being ferociously protective of their villains (for the most part) (if you've watched the past season, you'll know the villain exception to whom I am referring. Either people complained  about their cheerful willingness to kill off good characters and spare the ones who have done hideous, hideous things, or the actor had other engagements. I am too lazy to find out). I think that the only reason Hook is still alive is because he can be categorized in both groups. 

Also, is it bad that I love Hook? Partly because of his hotness but also because HEY PETER PAN and I love Peter Pan with every fiber of my being, and also the guy wears a leather coat around pretty much everywhere, which takes a level of confidence that I find admirable (even in the real world, while Regina and Cora update their looks, he is very "Screw you, I'm a pirate captain" about his fashion choices). 

Although regarding his eyeliner: so obviously the actor has to put that on every morning, fine, yeah, whatever, but what's their justification for having the character wear it? Like, are we supposed to believe his eyes just naturally look like that, or are we supposed to believe that in between hunting down Rumpelstiltskin and mourning over the loss of his filthy pirate hooker (spot the pineapple!) he takes the time every morning to carefully apply his makeup? And if so, how did it stay so perfectly applied while he was in the hospital? (For that matter, Emma and Snow must have the greatest makeup known to man, because they spent something like a month in Fairytale Land wearing the same clothes, and their eyeliner did not budge one single inch. Also their mascara didn't smear. The true proof that magic exists in that world). 

3) I got Writing Down the Bones! For those of you who don't know, this is a writing book that is generally praised and recommended, and I figured, hey, I like writing books! So I got it. It was pretty good, and held my interest well for about the first fifty pages, and then I literally cannot remember what happened after that. It was more about FINDING YOUR INNER WRITING SOUL than actual writing technique, which is fine if it was for one chapter but that was literally the entire book. Plus the author is all about memoirs and whatnot, and I myself am more of a fiction writer, and there was pretty much not a lot of mention of fiction. I mean, it's good, etc, but if I am going to pick one writing book that I will read until forever and ever, it's going to be Bird by Bird (although I should mention that that does have some occasional examples of very strong language in it--about three to four instances, I believe. I like to know these things beforehand, and I didn't when I bought the book, and I just want people to be on their guard. Because I'm a good citizen, that's why). 

4) I read Sense and Sensibility! I'd already seen the movie, so yes I am a disappointment to humanity, and this is the first Jane Austen book I have finished in four to five years, so yes all my reader-people out there may now look on me with great disgust, but lo it is finished and you guys, it was great. Jane Austen is fantastic. Also! Also, regarding the movie version, Alan Rickman, you guys! I have never seen him as anything other than Snape, and he is so wonderfully likable in Sense and Sensibility, even though Marianne aka the girl from Titanic is ever so slightly annoying. I liked her better in the book; but I think I may just find that actress slightly annoying. Just as I find Leonardo di Caprio slightly annoying (sorry, Titanic, you irk me. Fifty points from Hufflepuff) (I imagine Jack and Rose would both be in Hufflepuff, as well as Edward Cullen) (and not COOL Hufflepuff, like Tonks, but the who-is-that-character kind of Hufflepuff, like Justin Finch-Fletchley or whatever his name was (did he die? I will feel really bad if his character died) (well, no, probably I won't)). 

5) I have spent some time on Pinterest recently, and I have never seen The Notebook but I literally know the entire plot line and could quote half the script. I'm sort of torn about it, because on the one hand, yay Ryan Gosling! (I have only ever seen him in Remember the Titans, and his was a bit part, and I can't really watch any movies that he's been in because I'm sensitive about movies and ratings and whatnot) (his new gangster movie coming out kills me on so many different levels, because you guys, it's gangsters AND Ryan Gosling AND Brand from the Goonies, and I can't go and see it) (weeps in a corner). But anyway, so yes, Ryan Gosling is in this movie, but also, it's based on a Nicholas Sparks book. I will go into a rant later about this, but basically I think Nicholas Sparks is a really cheesy writer who thinks far too much of himself, and really? Really, can he write a story without killing a character off? I think he is physically incapable of it (and not in an emotionally satisfying way ala J. K. Rowling. In a blatant attempt to get tears out of his readers) (YOU WILL NOT FOOL ME, SPARKS. I AM ON TO YOU) (YOU AND YOUR SMARMY AUTHOR PHOTOS). 

And...blah blah blah...that's it. 

So what about you guys? Watched any good television lately? Read any novels that you should have completed five years ago? Fail to grasp the hostile takeover of Pinterest by the Notebook pins? I want to know!