Hello, and welcome to the
first installment of Potential Topics for Conversation. Today we will be
discussing: things to say on an awkward first date.
Have you ever been on a
date that is extremely awkward? Conversation lagging? Date himself is
boring/unattractive/annoying? Here are some conversational topics that could
either improve the situation and make it more fun, or end the date as quickly
as possible, and thus end the suffering.
1. EXTREME
weather
Anybody can talk
about the regular weather. It is the sign of a bored and boring mind. Do not do
it. Instead, talk about extreme weather. I’m not talking things like tornadoes
or earthquakes. I am talking about things like, “Gosh, I hope it doesn’t rain
lemon drops and gum drops tomorrow! Oh, what a day that would be! I would stand
outside with my mouth open wide…” You can sing this last part, but I wouldn’t
recommend it unless the date is past all point of redemption.
2. “Hey,
does leprosy exist in modern times? Because I think that I might have it.”
3. “My
goal in life is to find Narnia. How about you?”
You can also substitute
Narnia with “Hogwarts” or “Middle Earth.” Or “Oz.”
4. “I
think the Loch Ness monster might exist, but I think Big Foot is a myth. But if
he did exist, I think he and the Yeti would probably be related. Your
thoughts?”
5. “If I were a dragon, I think I would be a pink
dragon. And I would be mad because I don’t like the color pink and everybody
would laugh at me. I would look like I was made out of bubblegum.”
If he has no
response to this, follow it up with: “If you were a dragon, you would be
orange. Like a traffic cone. And you would blind people as you flew across the
sky and they would fear you.”
6. “So
what are your thoughts on wedding colors?”
Designed to end
the date very, very quickly. Only use in dire situations.
7. “If
you could pick one character from The Office to be on your task force to take
over the world, who would you pick?”
The answer is
Dwight. Obviously.
8. “I
think brownies are the best dessert. And pie. But not together because that
would be gross.”
Because everybody
likes to talk about food. Unless he’s a vampire and doesn’t eat food (it’s
probably good to get details like this out in the open as soon as possible. Because
how awkward if you wore your garlic perfume to the second date and accidentally
vaporized him).
(Any other ideas for first-date
conversations? Post them in the comments!)
