Why I Sometimes Hate Facebook

1.       Pictures of relatively hot guys (that you have no chance of ever dating HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Like that one guy you knew in elementary school, who has suddenly gotten very attractive. And you didn’t appreciate him back then. I mean, he was cute, but you were so interested in this other guy, and you feel like you wasted your opportunity to have a legitimate crush on him (that isn’t, you know, based solely on Facebook stalking) (“Hey! He likes ice cream! Me too!”) 

Or that other guy that you haven’t thought about in forever (translation: three months) and you see a picture of him and think, “Oh my gosh, he’s still kind of completely hot.”

I think the solution here is to just delete all of my attractive male Facebook friends that I am not on direct speaking terms with. 

HAHA. Just kidding. The real solution is to Facebook stalk them. Speaking of which… 

2.       Facebook stalking. 

Facebook provides lazy-but-curious people with the means to be complete and total creeps, and then to have guilt trips as they are browsing the page of that one person they haven’t had a conversation with in five years. “Am I a weirdo? What’s wrong with me? Why am I so interested in—oh, wow, she’s dating *that guy*?” Also it makes you hyper aware that other people might be checking out your page, and that makes you self-conscious. Sometimes I even Facebook stalk myself to make sure everything is fine and dandy for any of my friends who are bored and want to, say, look at my status updates from up to three months ago. 

3.       People who update every three minutes with things like, “Now I am eating a sandwich!” 

“Doing my laundry!” 

“Where do all the socks go?” 

“Taking out the trash!” 

“Something’s living in my trash can!” 

“I think that it’s a hobo—AH! AH! AAAAAAHHHHH! IT’S GOT ME—“ 

4.       People who air their personal problems publicly 

In an “anonymous” fashion: “People are such jerks sometimes. Like when they talk about you behind your back and get all offended when you’re mad at them. Like, hey, don’t talk about me behind my back! We were supposed to be friends and you’ve just totally changed. I just can’t believe you sometimes. You need to just go fall off a cliff. If you mess with me, I’ll mess you up. I am not putting up with this crap anymore. Some people just shouldn’t even exist.”  

The slightly less anonymous version: “Ex-boyfriends shouldn’t return your stuff to you at eight on a Saturday morning wearing muscle shirts. Talk about inconsiderate. I dumped you for a reason, you loser. Stop trying to win me back.”

Full out war (disclaimer: I don't think I've ever seen this actually happen)(but it probably does): “For those who are concerned: Linda McLadybug is a JERK and a boyfriend stealer. Die in a hole, Linda! P.S. your haircut is stupid.” 

5.       The weird addictiveness 

Even if you are not posting every day, there is a good chance you are checking Facebook every day, or at least every time you are on a computer. It’s the perfect device for boredom—you feel like you’re doing something, when really, you’re doing absolutely nothing. 

And then you feel guilt and have to eat a Snickers bar.