Interview with a Vampire-Zombie-Angel-Werwolf Hybrid

I’m a bit wary of paranormal romance novels, mainly because I hate them. 

If you have never read a paranormal romance novel, then you do not know the main storyline of a paranormal romance novel, which is: a girl and a boy meet. One of them, usually the male, is a vampire/angel/zombie/werewolf, or some combination of the four. Because of forces beyond their control, the girl and boy fall in love, but some jerk who does not like the paranormal half of the couple is trying to tear them apart. 

Apparently evil villains in the paranormal universe have nothing better to do with their time than to force teenagers to break up. 

Oftentimes it is the actual relationship of the couple that is causing the issue for the evil villain, as though evil villain (we’ll call him Steve) sits up at night thinking, “I just can’t believe he’s dating her. I just cannot believe…fine. That’s it. They’re gonna die.” 

Frankly, Steve sounds like a whiny little girl when he talks like this, and if there were any real villains in the story, they would kick his butt. But no! Apparently all of the other villains are with Steve. They agree that it is ridiculous for the couple to be dating and that the consequence for this is for them to die. 

I don’t understand this at all. If villains knew anything about teenagers, they would know that the relationship is bound not to last for longer than six months at the most, and then they will not have to waste any more sleep worrying about it. Probably the male paranormal person (we’ll call him Joe) will forget the girl’s (Cindy’s) birthday, and that will be that. 

This, of course, leads into the other ridiculous part of the paranormal phenomenon, which is: that Joe and Cindy will never break up, because they are destined to be together, because there is some force that binds them inexplicably to each other and forces them to make kissy faces against their will. Back in the good old days, we called this “hormones.” Paranormal romance has renamed it “forces beyond our control” and tried to label it as magical. 

No! There is nothing magical about hormones! In fact hormones are the enemy, and if they didn’t contribute to the continuation of the species, we would have gotten rid of them a long, long time ago.

To actually label hormones as hormones would be too mundane, though, so paranormal romance writers have taken a new direction and labeled it “forces beyond our control.” Next thing you know they will be telling us that other body functions, such as “hair growing,” are also caused by magic and that this means we should find a vampire and marry him. 

Or something. I’m sketchy on the exact details of how this disease will spread, but rest assured that it will, unless we do something about it. So I think the plan should be: you put together a mob and take over all publishing companies, everywhere, and I will “supervise” from my house while making very important life decisions, such as how much chocolate I can get away with eating before being labeled a pig. 

Probably thirty pieces or so. Because, you know, hormones.