K Talks About Attractiveness, Round Two

Can I marry Jim Halpert? Or maybe not? 

These are the questions that plague me most of the time, because, as far as I am concerned, Jim Halpert is The Awesome. But since he is already married, I am thinking that I had better settle for John Krasinski. 

Or at least, I HAD been thinking that I had better just settle for John Krasinski, because he is hilarious even when he is NOT Jim Halpert, and so he is practically the next best thing, but then I found out that John Krasinski is married. 

I found this out from my brother, who informed me that Emily Blunt, henceforth known as “John Krasinski’s stupid wife,” is hot (I’m sure she is a lovely person in real life). I don’t know why he would think that I would care about this, but apparently it is vitally important to him. I am not allowed to say that I find John Krasinski attractive, though, because the last time that I did, I got very strange looks from the male members of my family. My mother, however, completely understands this point of view. 

Actually, this is apparently a widespread phenomenon, because every boy I’ve talked to has been extremely weirded out by the fact that I, and several of my close friends, find John Krasinski attractive. “Why?” they ask, looking at a picture of John Krasinksi, possibly upside down, in an attempt to understand on what universe and, apparently, at what angle he would be considered more than Not Hideous. 

“Because,” the girls explain, taking the picture away from the boys because they are getting their fingerprints all over John Krasinski’s face, and that is a crime, “he’s adorable. Also funny.” 

Actually, it is mainly the funny part. Don’t get me wrong: John Krasinski is not hideous. But he is also not the type of man that women would stop in the street and say, “Excuse me, but you are hot.” 

“But,” you might be saying, “nobody does that to anybody. It is creepy.” To which I say: shut up. That is not the point. The point is, he is not ridiculously attractive. But he is hilarious, which takes his slightly dorky boy-next-door looks up about sixteen gajillion levels to Movie Star Hot. It’s sort of like a math problem, except I actually understand it.  

Anyway, humor is definitely a strong point in the attractiveness of any given member of the male species. This does not seem to work in reverse, however. For instance, I have never once seen a boy drooling over a picture of, say, Tina Fey, and, when questioned, have them cite her wittiness and hilarity as a reason for her attractiveness. It doesn’t seem to work that way. 

Rather, the boys that I know have a tendency to drool over, say, Hayden Panettiere. Which is nice, but she is not funny. In fact, after watching her in every Neutrogena commercial on the face of the planet, I kind of think that she is the opposite of funny and a soul killer and the very sound of her voice saying “gorgeous, flawless makeup” makes me want to karate chop my television. 

Anyway. 

The point is, John Krasinski is taken, and so is Jim Halpert. So I am just going to have to find somebody else who is witty and funny to date and possibly at an undetermined point in the future get married to. 

Or maybe I will just become a nun. That seems like the easier option, even if I am not, strictly speaking, Catholic.