Nicholas Cage Should Learn Knock-Knock Jokes

Nicholas Cage is not an attractive man.

Any woman who is not blind could tell you that. The men would tell you, also, but men are very weird about talking about the attractiveness, or, conversely, non-attractiveness, of their fellow males, i.e., they refuse to discuss it and will begin a conversation regarding anything else to avoid discussing it, including the weather, what you had for dinner, and weird medical conditions of various family members.

The point is, nearly everybody knows that Nicholas Cage is not attractive. And yet, in the bizarre mindset that Hollywood has, the producers of every Nicholas Cage movie ever have convinced themselves that he is, attractive-wise, on the same level as Jessica Alba or Diane Kruger and it is perfectly legitimate and not at all fishy to have him date these women on movies.

I realize that I sound highly shallow about this, and for the most part I am not a shallow person in real life, but when it comes to actors that I am expected to watch on a screen the size of Donald Trump’s ego, my standards are slightly higher. I demand someone more attractive than Nicholas Cage, and if the women of the world are going to be forced to endure him for two hours at a time, then the men of the world should be forced to endure a woman who is, relatively speaking, on the same level of attractiveness as he is. Which Jessica Alba and Diane Kruger are not.

And it is not just Nicholas Cage. There are hundreds upon hundreds of movies in which relatively unattractive men are paired with beautiful women, and probably about five where the unattractive women are paired with the hot men. This is ridiculous. If women have to suffer through Nicholas Cage movies, then the men should have to suffer through movies in which Ryan Reynolds falls in love with a woman on the same attractiveness level of Nicholas Cage. Possibly Nicholas Cage’s sister. I think that this would level the playing field a bit.

The only situation in which I accept the premise that a not highly-attractive man could date a very attractive woman is if the man is funny. So non attractive actors everywhere should begin brushing up on their witty comebacks and possibly also their knock-knock jokes. It is their only hope.